So close

A lot has been happening this week. I've had countless people blatantly show their disapproval of our decision to adopt - the majority of others are silent but it shows in their ways, we've had some that are jealous that we're going through this process, we learned new things about our Home Study that we were hoping to escape, a baby we know was put up for adoption, and we're looking for a second job. It's been a roller coaster of emotions for me.

First let's start with the ones that are being less than ecstatic about our choosing to adopt. This is my blog, so I'm reserving the right to speak my heart regardless of how it comes across. I don't mean to step on toes, but I'm struggling here. I understand completely, that in the natural, yes we are absolute lunatics for going through with the adoption. We are not financially in a place to add to our family, our marriage has not been the best, but I have to be honest and say it's a million times better than it ever has been, we just started a new ministry at church, and no this is not the time to be adding stress to that. We live this life - don't you think that we're very aware of our situation? We're not blind to the fact that it's not good *timing*. If we waited on a good time to have a kid, we never would have had E- and I wouldn't change one thing about how we had him and what we've had to go through for him to be here! Not to mention the fact that we feel with everything in us that God wants us to adopt. Yes, that's right - God is the one doing this, not us. We're are relying on Him a million percent to make this happen. We're trusting Him with our finances, our marriage, our home and our ministry. Should it be any other way? Some have been so against us on this journey, yet they say they're serving God... how can that be? How can someone say they're serving the same God that we're serving, yet they don't trust Him enough to accomplish what He's told us to do? Or is it that they don't trust that we hear God's voice and know His will for our lives? Either way there's something wrong with this picture. I never expected there to be an abundance of support, but neither did I expect there to be a flood of disapproval. I'm sad that people so close to us can't be happy and share with us in our joy. Just so you're clear... God will provide and He will heal - He does have a baby for us, and I pray one day these naysayers will accept that.

On to the Home Study... I knew in my mind that there would be a credit check. Who in their right mind would okay someone to adopt a child without a credit check? I was just hoping there wouldn't be one. We're behind on some payments and I'm so afraid that this is going to get us denied. I feel as if I need to put the adoption on hold so I can pay off what we owe before we pay $1500 for a Home Study and then have it denied. Of course, if I had the money to pay it, it wouldn't be late.... so the *hold* time could be more than a year before we get the money we need. God has told us to start the process NOW, not in a year.... and this leads me into looking for another job. I've been looking for something for quite some time, and had actually decided to start working when E goes to kindergarten. If we have a little one coming home though, I wouldn't be able to work outside the home anymore. So now I'm back to looking for something that I can do at home. I have a few jobs that I'm researching and waiting to hear back from, but nothing solid. Dan hasn't mentioned getting a second job, but that may be what needs to happen for a while too. We're just praying that God will open doors for us to be able to find something that He would bless us through - and that we would be able to bless other with as well.

We also learned that the baby I mentioned on my very first post was put up for adoption... I met her Monday after our meeting with A, and she's so tiny and beautiful. When I heard that the family had decided to go with the adoption attorney that we're with, my heart skipped a beat... I almost called in to see if we could be considered since she was the one we based our call on to begin with. I then decided that if this is the daughter God has for us, then He's big enough to move the attorney's heart and have her call us to see if we're interested - even though we don't have our home study completed and this baby needs a home right now.

That's a lot to happen in just a few days! I have to admit, even though I feel I trust God wholeheartedly, I'm still concerned. I'm just praying we get some clarity and that God takes away the worry and anxiety... and honestly, if one of you have something negative to say to me... take it to God in prayer.. because I have enough of it going on in my mind daily.


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