No news is good news?

I have not heard one word from the Adoption Lawyer or our Social Worker since the day we signed the papers to be put into the system... We were told on that day, that we would be contacted if/when a child became available that fit the criteria we had chosen... but it's been almost 5 months. The average wait time is 8 months, and we've not heard a word. It makes me wonder, but at the same time, I know God is in control of this adoption and I know VERY well that the timing is not right, right now. I know in my heart that God has everything worked out. I'm not worried or concerned... I'm a little relieved that we've not been contacted. If we had been, we'd have to go into detail about the house being in pre-foreclosure... and then I'm sure we'd be denied. I still wonder why God put it on our hearts and showed confirmation after confirmation that we should start the adoption process... and then we get the foreclosure letter 3 months later. But again - I know He's in control and there's a reason.. I'm trusting Him completely to fulfill this plan He's put it our hearts. I know He's going to let us keep the house, and I know He has a little one for us to adopt... and I also know that through all of this junk that is happening, He'll receive the glory and His power will be shown greater than if we had had no problems at all!

He's been talking to me a lot... and I do mean a lot, about trusting Him completely. I truly feel like I'm trusting God with all that I am. I can't imagine what someone that didn't trust Him would feel like... because if God thinks I need to trust Him MORE than I already am... that's huge. Yes, there are times of wondering.. but I have no doubt that whatever God wants for our lives, will happen... I think that might be part of it, though... He wants me to stand firm and trust in His promises, and not just say, well whatever God wants will happen..

Sorry for the rambling. I haven't posted in forever, and it's mainly because there's nothing to post. Hopefully things will start moving along and I'll have more to share!

I had a dream..

First - allow me to let you in on how my brain works. When I dream about something, I, for whatever reason, take it to be the Gospel. I've had God speak to me through my dreams so many times, that there are moments when I dream something and wonder if God's warning me about something new. Sadly, my husband gets the blowout of this sometimes :) but he knows that this is how I work, and one day he'll figure out that he just needs to reassure me!

This dream that I had, however, was just annoying. At the women's conference I attended about a week ago there was a conversation... a very short one that I believe led me to this dream. The lady heading it up -along with my pastor's wife- are very aware that we're planning to adopt and the little snots insist, though, that I'm going to get pregnant right before or right after we adopt!! So yes, in my dream I was pregnant, and quite surprised by this news. I don't WANT to be pregnant! I want to adopt! Now, I'm sure I'll get all sorts of backlash from ladies that are suffering with infertility. You're probably going to hate me for this, but people with fertility problems are not the only ones that are qualified to adopt - I don't want to be pregnant.

The first 4 months was horrible, and I felt like I was going to die. Then after I had my son, there were so many complications which led me to having to be on medication for years. Not to mention that the next baby I have could have the same birth defect that my son had! No... I really don't want to be pregnant again. You may look at that as oh how selfish!! You're able to get pregnant! Why would you be so self centered!? If you're one of those ladies, you might want to stop reading NOW.

It urks me to hear women (with fertility issues) put down women that are capable of carrying a child. There's 2 women in particular that I can think of, and I actually get frustrated with them. In both situations it seems as though they have to make (whether intentionally or not) everyone around them walk on eggshells so not to upset them. First of all, that's just ridiculous.. their lives are not more important or have any more harsdships than anyone else's - and second, just like with my story of being very sick during pregnancy and then having to deal with a birth defect and going insane, they just don't know everyone's story. I'm a little bit tired of hearing sob stories of how they feel like God forgot about them. I know that sounds completely insensitive. I just think that instead of blaming God, or having a poor pitiful me attitude, they should embrace the wonderful blessing of adoption! The Bible clearly states that we're to take care of the orphans, so being able to fulfill God's plan and knowing that He's trusting you with such a life.. a life you choose, is a tremendous blessing! I don't feel that I'm any less of a woman or mother just because I choose to adopt instead of carrying a biological child. My reasons are really not what I mentioned above either. Yes those are problems I had during and after pregnancy, but those are not the reasons I want to adopt... those are the reasons I don't want to be pregnant, if that makes sense... I want to adopt because God put it in my heart more than 10 yrs ago, and I feel that He's put it in my husband's heart just recently for a reason. God wants us to adopt. He has the child already picked out for us, and I guess that's why I'm not worried about when we'll get that call. God's ways are much different than mine, and I'm just along for the ride right now.

So to clear the air -Although pregnancy is a wonderful gift, I don't want to be pregnant!! :)
and I hope you're okay with that.


Wow- It's been a while since I posted anything. I've been dealing with A LOT lately, and haven't even sat down at the computer. Let me warn you :) this is going to be long!

A week and a half ago I ended up at the ER with chest pains and very labored breathing. I had gone to the doctor a couple of days earlier because I had been dizzy for 2 weeks and wanted to know why. She said I had a little fluid behind my ear and figured that's what it was, and put me on a zpack and prednisone for swelling. That was great and all, but that didn't change the fact that I felt like I was going to have a heart attack!

Sunday morning at church, I couldn't even sing because I could hardly breathe. Sunday night, my chest was hurting and I was having an even harder time breathing. I can't tell you one thing the pastor said, because I was just focused on the pain and trying to get air into my lungs. At about 9:00 that night my mom called to see how I was doing, and she could tell I wasn't doing well at all and made me go to the ER. From 9:30pm till 3:30am we were in the ER getting tests done. I had chest xrays, ekg, ct scan, bloodwork, flu swab, etc done and then moved on to waiting for the results. The chest x rays showed a spot on my lung that the nurse said looked like a thumbprint, and that's why I had to have the ct scan. When the ct scan finally came back, it showed nothing... so who knows. Maybe someone smudged the xray? Maybe God healed my lung in the hours waiting for the test results to get back? I don't know, but I was cleared and we went home with "you have an upper respiratory infection... oh and take zanex for anxiety".
I was still not pleased with the results, but the zanex calmed me down enough to be able to breathe and get to sleep that night.

For those of you that didn't know me 5 years ago, I want to add something... when my son was born, he had a birth defect and had to be swept away to Shands while I stayed in Crestview for 3 days. It was a very stressful time and I had not slept for 3 days, and my body went into shock I suppose - which resulted in what I call anxiety attacks... I really don't know what they were. I say all of that to say that after 4 yrs of being on medication for this problem, God healed me and I came off of the meds and never have had that problem again! When the pain and coldness in my chest started, it was not the same anxiety attacks I had had before, so I didn't recognize it as that... which just goes to show how amazing God is... He DID heal me of the anxiety I had when E was born and for 4 years after! Satan decided to attack me again in this way, but it had to be different, because God wouldn't allow it to come back the same way... that alone has put me in awe of God in this situation.

So that brings me to this weekend. I had been asked to help with a women's retreat and was excited about what God was going to do through this ministry. I help my mom serve when she has her conferences, so I was excited to help out in that area again. However, with the health problems I had been having for a few weeks, I was not looking forward to pushing myself physically. I got there Friday night, and thankfully these ladies that were heading the retreat up knew what they were doing and were in tune with God. They recognized that before you can receive from God, you need to get the junk out. At the end of the meeting, they had a time where people could come up for prayer if they needed to be released of anything... so I, of course, went up for prayer. I had already been rebuking, and pleading the blood of Jesus, and standing on scripture... and trusting God, so I thought.. so I went up because I needed help. I needed someone else to stand with me and I was hoping God would speak to them in a way that I couldn't hear at the time. He definitely did. I won't go into all the details, but God revealed, through 2 ladies, that I was dealing with a spirit of fear (which I knew) but they went on to say what TYPE of fear it was.... I never, in a million years, would have thought to ask God what type of fear I had... I just knew that satan was putting fear on me, and it needed to be gone. I was prayed over, and that spirit was broken off of me, praise God... I could breathe much better after I sat back down. A lot more was said and a lot more was accomplished that night, but basically, I was set free from the oppression that was over me.

It would take all day to tell you how amazing this retreat was, and everything God revealed through this time, but I just want to say that He had brought a refreshing to my spirit. It was so nice to have such freedom in worship. I long for that, and I pray that God will allow His spirit to flow through those of us that were at the retreat and let it spill over to everyone around us, and give them that same freedom to live for Him. I'm beyond thankful that He has healed me once again, and restored what was buried so deep. He is so mighty and worthy to be praised!

Adoption really has not been on my mind lately.. and to be honest, I think that's how God wants it. I can get so wrapped up in this process and make IT my entire life... but God is my entire life. He is the one that I need to focus all of my attention on, and then everything will follow. I have a beautiful son, that I definitely don't want to put second to anything, and I think God used my situation these past few weeks to get my head back on straight. Yes, we want to adopt... and we will - but until God brings a child to our attention, there's no reason to sit and wonder all the time. That may sound sterile to you, but God is the one that put adoption on our hearts, and He's the only one that can bring that baby into our lives... there's nothing we can do to make it happen any faster, and I wouldn't want to try. I'm more than willing to walk this path and see what God has to teach us and reveal to us while we go on this journey. I'm certain there are things we're supposed to learn by this experience, and I don't want to be so "adoption minded" that I lose focus of what God is really doing.

It's been a very refreshing weekend... one that has been much needed for a very very long time. I thank God with all that I am for continuing to reveal Himself to me in such an amazing, new way... He constantly puts me in a state of awe.... and I cherish it!


I have finished my home study background packet!! (D still has to do his!) There's is still a ton left to do before we can turn this in, but it's a start.

I have GOT to tell you, I never thought someone would be so interested in my life! I kept looking for a "how many times do you wipe" question to pop out of nowhere! Seriously, I don't think they need to know all of the information that was asked of me and especially what I offered, but if it gets us a little closer to our baby girl, then so be it! I think I'm a little closer to carpal tunnel, though. It feels good to have this done. I, however, am nervous to send the paperwork in because of our financial situation. I think I'll hold onto it for a little bit, and hope and pray that God moves in a mighty way. I'd hate to pay $1500 for nothing, ya know?

So close

A lot has been happening this week. I've had countless people blatantly show their disapproval of our decision to adopt - the majority of others are silent but it shows in their ways, we've had some that are jealous that we're going through this process, we learned new things about our Home Study that we were hoping to escape, a baby we know was put up for adoption, and we're looking for a second job. It's been a roller coaster of emotions for me.

First let's start with the ones that are being less than ecstatic about our choosing to adopt. This is my blog, so I'm reserving the right to speak my heart regardless of how it comes across. I don't mean to step on toes, but I'm struggling here. I understand completely, that in the natural, yes we are absolute lunatics for going through with the adoption. We are not financially in a place to add to our family, our marriage has not been the best, but I have to be honest and say it's a million times better than it ever has been, we just started a new ministry at church, and no this is not the time to be adding stress to that. We live this life - don't you think that we're very aware of our situation? We're not blind to the fact that it's not good *timing*. If we waited on a good time to have a kid, we never would have had E- and I wouldn't change one thing about how we had him and what we've had to go through for him to be here! Not to mention the fact that we feel with everything in us that God wants us to adopt. Yes, that's right - God is the one doing this, not us. We're are relying on Him a million percent to make this happen. We're trusting Him with our finances, our marriage, our home and our ministry. Should it be any other way? Some have been so against us on this journey, yet they say they're serving God... how can that be? How can someone say they're serving the same God that we're serving, yet they don't trust Him enough to accomplish what He's told us to do? Or is it that they don't trust that we hear God's voice and know His will for our lives? Either way there's something wrong with this picture. I never expected there to be an abundance of support, but neither did I expect there to be a flood of disapproval. I'm sad that people so close to us can't be happy and share with us in our joy. Just so you're clear... God will provide and He will heal - He does have a baby for us, and I pray one day these naysayers will accept that.

On to the Home Study... I knew in my mind that there would be a credit check. Who in their right mind would okay someone to adopt a child without a credit check? I was just hoping there wouldn't be one. We're behind on some payments and I'm so afraid that this is going to get us denied. I feel as if I need to put the adoption on hold so I can pay off what we owe before we pay $1500 for a Home Study and then have it denied. Of course, if I had the money to pay it, it wouldn't be late.... so the *hold* time could be more than a year before we get the money we need. God has told us to start the process NOW, not in a year.... and this leads me into looking for another job. I've been looking for something for quite some time, and had actually decided to start working when E goes to kindergarten. If we have a little one coming home though, I wouldn't be able to work outside the home anymore. So now I'm back to looking for something that I can do at home. I have a few jobs that I'm researching and waiting to hear back from, but nothing solid. Dan hasn't mentioned getting a second job, but that may be what needs to happen for a while too. We're just praying that God will open doors for us to be able to find something that He would bless us through - and that we would be able to bless other with as well.

We also learned that the baby I mentioned on my very first post was put up for adoption... I met her Monday after our meeting with A, and she's so tiny and beautiful. When I heard that the family had decided to go with the adoption attorney that we're with, my heart skipped a beat... I almost called in to see if we could be considered since she was the one we based our call on to begin with. I then decided that if this is the daughter God has for us, then He's big enough to move the attorney's heart and have her call us to see if we're interested - even though we don't have our home study completed and this baby needs a home right now.

That's a lot to happen in just a few days! I have to admit, even though I feel I trust God wholeheartedly, I'm still concerned. I'm just praying we get some clarity and that God takes away the worry and anxiety... and honestly, if one of you have something negative to say to me... take it to God in prayer.. because I have enough of it going on in my mind daily.

Auntie Ann's Pretzel Fundraiser

We're starting our Auntie Anne's Pretzel Fundraiser today!!! I'm excited to get this thing moving. It looks like a really great fundraiser and if we sell enough, we could make $2000 very easily! I'm just hoping everyone will be on board with us and help us get as many orders as possible!

Now on to waiting

We had our meeting with A yesterday, and it went pretty well. It was basically a question and answer session, and we have a much better understanding of what to expect. Apparently we don't have to wait any longer for BMs to be able to choose us! I had it in my mind, that we would have to wait for our home study to be completed before we would be presented to a BM, but that's not the case. We are officially in the system, and it could be anytime now that we get a call saying that there is a match for us! The only thing we need to do now is get our home study completed and continue to wait and pray. Hopefully it won't be too long of a wait, but we're trusting God and know that it is all in His timing.

One thing I was surprised about is that we don't need to write a BM letter or make a family profile. I assumed both would be required and that's how the BM would choose us, but A said that they both come across very superficial, and she feels there's more of a success rate without the letter and profile. She's written up a "resume" of sorts on us that will be presented to BMs, but they'll never even see our picture unless they request one. This part concerns me a little, but at the same time, I'm a little relieved. We don't have many family pictures, just a lot of E.. so I guess she would be right that it would be a little superficial if we were to go out and take pictures just for the profile. I really have to stop thinking about things like this, because it IS in God's hands and regardless of a BM letter or a family profile being presented, the baby that God wants us to have will come to us somehow.

We're really excited to finally be on "the list". At the same time we understand that there are at least 75 other parents that are looking to adopt through our attorney, and at the moment there are no BMs listed. We do know that they place an average of 30 children a year, so that puts my mind at ease... we're just praying that our daughter's BM is directed to our attorney and feels confident with working with the office. Hopefully we'll hear something before long.