Refreshing

Wow- It's been a while since I posted anything. I've been dealing with A LOT lately, and haven't even sat down at the computer. Let me warn you :) this is going to be long!

A week and a half ago I ended up at the ER with chest pains and very labored breathing. I had gone to the doctor a couple of days earlier because I had been dizzy for 2 weeks and wanted to know why. She said I had a little fluid behind my ear and figured that's what it was, and put me on a zpack and prednisone for swelling. That was great and all, but that didn't change the fact that I felt like I was going to have a heart attack!

Sunday morning at church, I couldn't even sing because I could hardly breathe. Sunday night, my chest was hurting and I was having an even harder time breathing. I can't tell you one thing the pastor said, because I was just focused on the pain and trying to get air into my lungs. At about 9:00 that night my mom called to see how I was doing, and she could tell I wasn't doing well at all and made me go to the ER. From 9:30pm till 3:30am we were in the ER getting tests done. I had chest xrays, ekg, ct scan, bloodwork, flu swab, etc done and then moved on to waiting for the results. The chest x rays showed a spot on my lung that the nurse said looked like a thumbprint, and that's why I had to have the ct scan. When the ct scan finally came back, it showed nothing... so who knows. Maybe someone smudged the xray? Maybe God healed my lung in the hours waiting for the test results to get back? I don't know, but I was cleared and we went home with "you have an upper respiratory infection... oh and take zanex for anxiety".
I was still not pleased with the results, but the zanex calmed me down enough to be able to breathe and get to sleep that night.

For those of you that didn't know me 5 years ago, I want to add something... when my son was born, he had a birth defect and had to be swept away to Shands while I stayed in Crestview for 3 days. It was a very stressful time and I had not slept for 3 days, and my body went into shock I suppose - which resulted in what I call anxiety attacks... I really don't know what they were. I say all of that to say that after 4 yrs of being on medication for this problem, God healed me and I came off of the meds and never have had that problem again! When the pain and coldness in my chest started, it was not the same anxiety attacks I had had before, so I didn't recognize it as that... which just goes to show how amazing God is... He DID heal me of the anxiety I had when E was born and for 4 years after! Satan decided to attack me again in this way, but it had to be different, because God wouldn't allow it to come back the same way... that alone has put me in awe of God in this situation.

So that brings me to this weekend. I had been asked to help with a women's retreat and was excited about what God was going to do through this ministry. I help my mom serve when she has her conferences, so I was excited to help out in that area again. However, with the health problems I had been having for a few weeks, I was not looking forward to pushing myself physically. I got there Friday night, and thankfully these ladies that were heading the retreat up knew what they were doing and were in tune with God. They recognized that before you can receive from God, you need to get the junk out. At the end of the meeting, they had a time where people could come up for prayer if they needed to be released of anything... so I, of course, went up for prayer. I had already been rebuking, and pleading the blood of Jesus, and standing on scripture... and trusting God, so I thought.. so I went up because I needed help. I needed someone else to stand with me and I was hoping God would speak to them in a way that I couldn't hear at the time. He definitely did. I won't go into all the details, but God revealed, through 2 ladies, that I was dealing with a spirit of fear (which I knew) but they went on to say what TYPE of fear it was.... I never, in a million years, would have thought to ask God what type of fear I had... I just knew that satan was putting fear on me, and it needed to be gone. I was prayed over, and that spirit was broken off of me, praise God... I could breathe much better after I sat back down. A lot more was said and a lot more was accomplished that night, but basically, I was set free from the oppression that was over me.

It would take all day to tell you how amazing this retreat was, and everything God revealed through this time, but I just want to say that He had brought a refreshing to my spirit. It was so nice to have such freedom in worship. I long for that, and I pray that God will allow His spirit to flow through those of us that were at the retreat and let it spill over to everyone around us, and give them that same freedom to live for Him. I'm beyond thankful that He has healed me once again, and restored what was buried so deep. He is so mighty and worthy to be praised!

Adoption really has not been on my mind lately.. and to be honest, I think that's how God wants it. I can get so wrapped up in this process and make IT my entire life... but God is my entire life. He is the one that I need to focus all of my attention on, and then everything will follow. I have a beautiful son, that I definitely don't want to put second to anything, and I think God used my situation these past few weeks to get my head back on straight. Yes, we want to adopt... and we will - but until God brings a child to our attention, there's no reason to sit and wonder all the time. That may sound sterile to you, but God is the one that put adoption on our hearts, and He's the only one that can bring that baby into our lives... there's nothing we can do to make it happen any faster, and I wouldn't want to try. I'm more than willing to walk this path and see what God has to teach us and reveal to us while we go on this journey. I'm certain there are things we're supposed to learn by this experience, and I don't want to be so "adoption minded" that I lose focus of what God is really doing.

It's been a very refreshing weekend... one that has been much needed for a very very long time. I thank God with all that I am for continuing to reveal Himself to me in such an amazing, new way... He constantly puts me in a state of awe.... and I cherish it!

TMI

I have finished my home study background packet!! (D still has to do his!) There's is still a ton left to do before we can turn this in, but it's a start.

I have GOT to tell you, I never thought someone would be so interested in my life! I kept looking for a "how many times do you wipe" question to pop out of nowhere! Seriously, I don't think they need to know all of the information that was asked of me and especially what I offered, but if it gets us a little closer to our baby girl, then so be it! I think I'm a little closer to carpal tunnel, though. It feels good to have this done. I, however, am nervous to send the paperwork in because of our financial situation. I think I'll hold onto it for a little bit, and hope and pray that God moves in a mighty way. I'd hate to pay $1500 for nothing, ya know?

So close

A lot has been happening this week. I've had countless people blatantly show their disapproval of our decision to adopt - the majority of others are silent but it shows in their ways, we've had some that are jealous that we're going through this process, we learned new things about our Home Study that we were hoping to escape, a baby we know was put up for adoption, and we're looking for a second job. It's been a roller coaster of emotions for me.

First let's start with the ones that are being less than ecstatic about our choosing to adopt. This is my blog, so I'm reserving the right to speak my heart regardless of how it comes across. I don't mean to step on toes, but I'm struggling here. I understand completely, that in the natural, yes we are absolute lunatics for going through with the adoption. We are not financially in a place to add to our family, our marriage has not been the best, but I have to be honest and say it's a million times better than it ever has been, we just started a new ministry at church, and no this is not the time to be adding stress to that. We live this life - don't you think that we're very aware of our situation? We're not blind to the fact that it's not good *timing*. If we waited on a good time to have a kid, we never would have had E- and I wouldn't change one thing about how we had him and what we've had to go through for him to be here! Not to mention the fact that we feel with everything in us that God wants us to adopt. Yes, that's right - God is the one doing this, not us. We're are relying on Him a million percent to make this happen. We're trusting Him with our finances, our marriage, our home and our ministry. Should it be any other way? Some have been so against us on this journey, yet they say they're serving God... how can that be? How can someone say they're serving the same God that we're serving, yet they don't trust Him enough to accomplish what He's told us to do? Or is it that they don't trust that we hear God's voice and know His will for our lives? Either way there's something wrong with this picture. I never expected there to be an abundance of support, but neither did I expect there to be a flood of disapproval. I'm sad that people so close to us can't be happy and share with us in our joy. Just so you're clear... God will provide and He will heal - He does have a baby for us, and I pray one day these naysayers will accept that.

On to the Home Study... I knew in my mind that there would be a credit check. Who in their right mind would okay someone to adopt a child without a credit check? I was just hoping there wouldn't be one. We're behind on some payments and I'm so afraid that this is going to get us denied. I feel as if I need to put the adoption on hold so I can pay off what we owe before we pay $1500 for a Home Study and then have it denied. Of course, if I had the money to pay it, it wouldn't be late.... so the *hold* time could be more than a year before we get the money we need. God has told us to start the process NOW, not in a year.... and this leads me into looking for another job. I've been looking for something for quite some time, and had actually decided to start working when E goes to kindergarten. If we have a little one coming home though, I wouldn't be able to work outside the home anymore. So now I'm back to looking for something that I can do at home. I have a few jobs that I'm researching and waiting to hear back from, but nothing solid. Dan hasn't mentioned getting a second job, but that may be what needs to happen for a while too. We're just praying that God will open doors for us to be able to find something that He would bless us through - and that we would be able to bless other with as well.

We also learned that the baby I mentioned on my very first post was put up for adoption... I met her Monday after our meeting with A, and she's so tiny and beautiful. When I heard that the family had decided to go with the adoption attorney that we're with, my heart skipped a beat... I almost called in to see if we could be considered since she was the one we based our call on to begin with. I then decided that if this is the daughter God has for us, then He's big enough to move the attorney's heart and have her call us to see if we're interested - even though we don't have our home study completed and this baby needs a home right now.

That's a lot to happen in just a few days! I have to admit, even though I feel I trust God wholeheartedly, I'm still concerned. I'm just praying we get some clarity and that God takes away the worry and anxiety... and honestly, if one of you have something negative to say to me... take it to God in prayer.. because I have enough of it going on in my mind daily.

Auntie Ann's Pretzel Fundraiser

We're starting our Auntie Anne's Pretzel Fundraiser today!!! I'm excited to get this thing moving. It looks like a really great fundraiser and if we sell enough, we could make $2000 very easily! I'm just hoping everyone will be on board with us and help us get as many orders as possible!

Now on to waiting

We had our meeting with A yesterday, and it went pretty well. It was basically a question and answer session, and we have a much better understanding of what to expect. Apparently we don't have to wait any longer for BMs to be able to choose us! I had it in my mind, that we would have to wait for our home study to be completed before we would be presented to a BM, but that's not the case. We are officially in the system, and it could be anytime now that we get a call saying that there is a match for us! The only thing we need to do now is get our home study completed and continue to wait and pray. Hopefully it won't be too long of a wait, but we're trusting God and know that it is all in His timing.

One thing I was surprised about is that we don't need to write a BM letter or make a family profile. I assumed both would be required and that's how the BM would choose us, but A said that they both come across very superficial, and she feels there's more of a success rate without the letter and profile. She's written up a "resume" of sorts on us that will be presented to BMs, but they'll never even see our picture unless they request one. This part concerns me a little, but at the same time, I'm a little relieved. We don't have many family pictures, just a lot of E.. so I guess she would be right that it would be a little superficial if we were to go out and take pictures just for the profile. I really have to stop thinking about things like this, because it IS in God's hands and regardless of a BM letter or a family profile being presented, the baby that God wants us to have will come to us somehow.

We're really excited to finally be on "the list". At the same time we understand that there are at least 75 other parents that are looking to adopt through our attorney, and at the moment there are no BMs listed. We do know that they place an average of 30 children a year, so that puts my mind at ease... we're just praying that our daughter's BM is directed to our attorney and feels confident with working with the office. Hopefully we'll hear something before long.

Initial Visit

We finally have a date set to sit down with our R's associate - woo!! We'll be meeting with her this coming Monday - March 8th - at 10am, so please remember to pray for us at that time. We're excited to finally sit down with someone and finalize our papers. I'm anxious to get some questions answered and have a better understanding of what to expect and when to expect it. Thanks again for all of your prayers. We know that this would not be possible unless God was leading the way.

I have to add to this... A friend let me know about a gold exchange they were having tonight as a fundraiser for her son's school. I decided to take some gold jewelry, that I haven't worn in forever, to see if I could get something for it. To be honest, I expected maybe 50 bucks - 75 at the very most. The little bits of nothing jewelry that I just had laying around brought me $240!!!! Can you believe that?! The lady told me how much, and I thought nooo really???? God is so amazing. We purchased a 1 yr old very expensive peg perego ($300) car seat yesterday for a whopping $50 and stroller to go with it for $20, so God not only gave us the money for the attorney visit, but He also gave back what we had just paid out for the car seat and stroller! He just amazes me.... He loves us so much and I'm so thankful!!!

God's Calling

Back in December God had spoken to me about having another child... Of course, that's not something that would make me jump for joy, so I argued for a little bit and gave my little tantrum and then put it aside and tried to forget about God speaking... At the beginning of January, God again, spoke to my heart, but this time it was about adoption. I have always wanted to adopt a child, but D has been reluctant. We talked about the possibility when we first got married and he was not on board with the idea, so I haven't mentioned it for probably 5 years. This time, when it came up, God had already prepared D's heart and he immediately agreed with me that we should look into it. That alone blew my mind, but the coming days, God absolutely amazed me with the way He was revealing His will to us.

God first started softening our hearts to the idea of another child in our lives through a little one that was born in early January. Her mother wasn't sure if she was able to take care of the child, and adoption was mentioned. My immediate thoughts were "I want her" and as soon as I spoke those words, in my mind, I took a step back and thought... what did I just say?! I talked with D about this possibility, and we both started praying... we soon realized that this little one was not the daughter God had for us, but I'm so thankful that He used her to stir up something He had placed in me so long ago.

The next few weeks God opened the flood gates with confirmation, left and right - almost daily - assuring us that adoption was a new road He wanted to take us down. I'm so amazed at how He's revealing Himself to us lately. God has given us a new perspective on many things and we can feel Him closer than we have in years. We have no doubt in our minds that we're hearing and following His voice, and we're filled with anticipation to see how He works everything out.

With God, all things are possible... $10,000 is a drop in the bucket when God is the one orchestrating it all. Financially, we are most definitely not able to adopt a child, but God knew that before He put it on our hearts. If we were easily able to pull the money out of savings, how would God receive the glory? We're having to rely completely on God's provision - and He'll put us on the hearts of those that He sees fit to give. We're praying that we're able to bring our daughter home by the end of the year, but that's completely up to God. Right now, we have $175 that we need to pay just to get the ball rolling... after that we'll have to put $3000 into an account before we can be put on the list for BMs to choose from. All in all, the adoption should not cost more than $10,000. So here we sit, praying for our little girl and humbly asking that we receive the help we need to fulfill the plan God has for us right now.

If you feel God is laying it on your heart to donate funds, you can do that with ease and security through Paypal by clicking on the "ChipIn" button on this page... We can't thank you enough and will never be able to show our true appreciation of your support. If money is not something you can offer right now, we would definitely be grateful if you'd pray for us as well as the birth mother and our daughter. Handing your child over to someone else has got to be the hardest thing a mother can do... so please pray for the BM's heart, her mind, and more importantly her relationship with God.

We thank you from the bottom of our hearts for joining us on the journey and being such a crucial part in fulfilling God's plan for our lives.

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