Wow- It's been a while since I posted anything. I've been dealing with A LOT lately, and haven't even sat down at the computer. Let me warn you :) this is going to be long!

A week and a half ago I ended up at the ER with chest pains and very labored breathing. I had gone to the doctor a couple of days earlier because I had been dizzy for 2 weeks and wanted to know why. She said I had a little fluid behind my ear and figured that's what it was, and put me on a zpack and prednisone for swelling. That was great and all, but that didn't change the fact that I felt like I was going to have a heart attack!

Sunday morning at church, I couldn't even sing because I could hardly breathe. Sunday night, my chest was hurting and I was having an even harder time breathing. I can't tell you one thing the pastor said, because I was just focused on the pain and trying to get air into my lungs. At about 9:00 that night my mom called to see how I was doing, and she could tell I wasn't doing well at all and made me go to the ER. From 9:30pm till 3:30am we were in the ER getting tests done. I had chest xrays, ekg, ct scan, bloodwork, flu swab, etc done and then moved on to waiting for the results. The chest x rays showed a spot on my lung that the nurse said looked like a thumbprint, and that's why I had to have the ct scan. When the ct scan finally came back, it showed nothing... so who knows. Maybe someone smudged the xray? Maybe God healed my lung in the hours waiting for the test results to get back? I don't know, but I was cleared and we went home with "you have an upper respiratory infection... oh and take zanex for anxiety".
I was still not pleased with the results, but the zanex calmed me down enough to be able to breathe and get to sleep that night.

For those of you that didn't know me 5 years ago, I want to add something... when my son was born, he had a birth defect and had to be swept away to Shands while I stayed in Crestview for 3 days. It was a very stressful time and I had not slept for 3 days, and my body went into shock I suppose - which resulted in what I call anxiety attacks... I really don't know what they were. I say all of that to say that after 4 yrs of being on medication for this problem, God healed me and I came off of the meds and never have had that problem again! When the pain and coldness in my chest started, it was not the same anxiety attacks I had had before, so I didn't recognize it as that... which just goes to show how amazing God is... He DID heal me of the anxiety I had when E was born and for 4 years after! Satan decided to attack me again in this way, but it had to be different, because God wouldn't allow it to come back the same way... that alone has put me in awe of God in this situation.

So that brings me to this weekend. I had been asked to help with a women's retreat and was excited about what God was going to do through this ministry. I help my mom serve when she has her conferences, so I was excited to help out in that area again. However, with the health problems I had been having for a few weeks, I was not looking forward to pushing myself physically. I got there Friday night, and thankfully these ladies that were heading the retreat up knew what they were doing and were in tune with God. They recognized that before you can receive from God, you need to get the junk out. At the end of the meeting, they had a time where people could come up for prayer if they needed to be released of anything... so I, of course, went up for prayer. I had already been rebuking, and pleading the blood of Jesus, and standing on scripture... and trusting God, so I thought.. so I went up because I needed help. I needed someone else to stand with me and I was hoping God would speak to them in a way that I couldn't hear at the time. He definitely did. I won't go into all the details, but God revealed, through 2 ladies, that I was dealing with a spirit of fear (which I knew) but they went on to say what TYPE of fear it was.... I never, in a million years, would have thought to ask God what type of fear I had... I just knew that satan was putting fear on me, and it needed to be gone. I was prayed over, and that spirit was broken off of me, praise God... I could breathe much better after I sat back down. A lot more was said and a lot more was accomplished that night, but basically, I was set free from the oppression that was over me.

It would take all day to tell you how amazing this retreat was, and everything God revealed through this time, but I just want to say that He had brought a refreshing to my spirit. It was so nice to have such freedom in worship. I long for that, and I pray that God will allow His spirit to flow through those of us that were at the retreat and let it spill over to everyone around us, and give them that same freedom to live for Him. I'm beyond thankful that He has healed me once again, and restored what was buried so deep. He is so mighty and worthy to be praised!

Adoption really has not been on my mind lately.. and to be honest, I think that's how God wants it. I can get so wrapped up in this process and make IT my entire life... but God is my entire life. He is the one that I need to focus all of my attention on, and then everything will follow. I have a beautiful son, that I definitely don't want to put second to anything, and I think God used my situation these past few weeks to get my head back on straight. Yes, we want to adopt... and we will - but until God brings a child to our attention, there's no reason to sit and wonder all the time. That may sound sterile to you, but God is the one that put adoption on our hearts, and He's the only one that can bring that baby into our lives... there's nothing we can do to make it happen any faster, and I wouldn't want to try. I'm more than willing to walk this path and see what God has to teach us and reveal to us while we go on this journey. I'm certain there are things we're supposed to learn by this experience, and I don't want to be so "adoption minded" that I lose focus of what God is really doing.

It's been a very refreshing weekend... one that has been much needed for a very very long time. I thank God with all that I am for continuing to reveal Himself to me in such an amazing, new way... He constantly puts me in a state of awe.... and I cherish it!


Baby Wanted said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog...does your lawyer work with out of state folks?

I am so glad you commented because your blog is so beautiful. Your faith is amazing and I agree with you. I think you are being unselfish by adopting rather than being selfish and getting pregnant and passing on whatever it is that your son has to another child.

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